Lecture Phase is Over
I still can't believe that it's actually over; 12 weeks- DONE! Last night some of us were talking about our overall experience, the good and the bad, and we were recalling memories from when we first got here; how long ago that seems now. It's very hard to describe my feelings or the thoughts going through my mind right now because I still don't feel like I've hit the ground on this one.
Well one thing I can tell you is what I feel like I'm taking away from this experience. There was a lot of emphasis on the Father heart of God, part of that being how He desires to co-create with us. Hearing that God wants to co-create with me was an entirely new concept to me and I really repelled it at first; "Why would God want to create something with me; He's the perfect one, He knows best." But God has made me a specific and unique way; giving me passions, gifts, talents and dreams that no one else has in the exact same way as me and He wants to do something beautiful with those things. And that just exemplifies His Fatherly character; He doesn't look at us like soldiers, commanding us where to go and what to do; He looks at us like sons and daughters. I look at my earthly dad and how he never forced me to be anything he just constantly encouraged me in whatever I said I wanted to do and not that I always did what I wanted to do; there were times he would step in and, in his wisdom, help me to see how that wasn't the best thing for me. But if I wanted to play softball my dad would help me in playing softball. If I wanted to draw he would encourage me and provide money for supplies to do so. Now this doesn't change God's Sovereignty but rather that in His Sovereignty He has chosen from the beginning of creation to make us co-creators and left the job of continuing creation in our hands (Gen 1:28). I feel that God has given me free reign to dream and to create something beautiful with all the things He's given me and I want to do that with Him, side by side and hand in hand. I used to have a real hard time accepting God's individual love for me. I knew in my head that God loved me but I never felt good enough, I always wanted to be better for Him. But I have the heart-felt knowledge now that He loves me just as I am and that He really likes me. Oh this is just such a good feeling to be liked by the Lord. I know that God finds me funny, He gets my jokes when no one else does lol. God finds my voice, my art, my music beautiful. He brags about me. It's a good feeling! I'm so thankful for this lesson.
It is because of all this that I feel such a deep sense of fulfillment and establishment. That I truly am becoming who God made me to be. God gave me a picture that I want to share with you all that really describes what He's done in me here. Think about an onion or a potato, how it must grow underground and you don't really know how it's doing or coming along until you uproot it. But if you pull it up too soon then you just have a tiny vegetable that isn't ready and if you let it stay too long it will rot. The farmer has to know just the right time of when to pull the vegetables out but it's hard to know it's progress since all development was done underground. Thank God that He is such a good Farmer and nothing is hidden or unknown to Him; He knows just the right time to pull us out. The picture was this; that I was in the ground and God reached down, grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the ground and as I came up I was wearing a purple shirt (purple being the color of royalty). He pulled me out at just the right time and He's saying that I'm ready to do what He made me to do but as His daughter.
Does this mean I'm walking with this aura of power with my chest puffed up; HECK NO! I'm unsure about a lot of things and I don't walk in this ridiculous confidence in myself and in who I am. But of this I am confident; that everything I am is who God made me to be and everything I'm not is where He will be. God's got my back and better yet, He's got my hand, my heart, my life. It's all good :-)
Now let's talk about Thailand since ya know I leave on Wednesday!!!! Here's the schedule for the next couple of days:
Saturday and Sunday- nothing planned yet probably just hang out and get my stuff sorted
Monday- cleaning the church and then that night we're having a Love Feast= party, food, gifts, nostalgia
Tuesday- Thailand team has the day off to pack and rest
Wednesday- Check out from the hostel @10am, from there we're going to Josie's place for brunch, from there we're going by the church to say goodbye to everyone else and we'll leave there about 12:30 and we'll get to the airport around 1 and we leave at 3:30pm.
I honestly don't think all this will hit me until we arrive in Bangkok. I just cannot fathom being in a place like Thailand; it's almost too much to try and think about. People keep asking, "So you ready for Thailand?" And I'm like, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?" Am I mentally ready? Well since I can't even comprehend being there...no. Am I physically ready? Probably not but hopefully I'll be rested enough by Wednesday. Am I spiritually ready? As ready as I can be. Am I emotionally ready? How can you possibly be emotionally ready for such despair?! No I'm probably not. But regardless of whether I'm ready or not, I'm going. And regardless of whether I feel like serving I'm gonna die to self and serve. Whether it's hot, dangerous or just plain miserable; I'm gonna serve those girls.
A hymn I try to live by is
Well one thing I can tell you is what I feel like I'm taking away from this experience. There was a lot of emphasis on the Father heart of God, part of that being how He desires to co-create with us. Hearing that God wants to co-create with me was an entirely new concept to me and I really repelled it at first; "Why would God want to create something with me; He's the perfect one, He knows best." But God has made me a specific and unique way; giving me passions, gifts, talents and dreams that no one else has in the exact same way as me and He wants to do something beautiful with those things. And that just exemplifies His Fatherly character; He doesn't look at us like soldiers, commanding us where to go and what to do; He looks at us like sons and daughters. I look at my earthly dad and how he never forced me to be anything he just constantly encouraged me in whatever I said I wanted to do and not that I always did what I wanted to do; there were times he would step in and, in his wisdom, help me to see how that wasn't the best thing for me. But if I wanted to play softball my dad would help me in playing softball. If I wanted to draw he would encourage me and provide money for supplies to do so. Now this doesn't change God's Sovereignty but rather that in His Sovereignty He has chosen from the beginning of creation to make us co-creators and left the job of continuing creation in our hands (Gen 1:28). I feel that God has given me free reign to dream and to create something beautiful with all the things He's given me and I want to do that with Him, side by side and hand in hand. I used to have a real hard time accepting God's individual love for me. I knew in my head that God loved me but I never felt good enough, I always wanted to be better for Him. But I have the heart-felt knowledge now that He loves me just as I am and that He really likes me. Oh this is just such a good feeling to be liked by the Lord. I know that God finds me funny, He gets my jokes when no one else does lol. God finds my voice, my art, my music beautiful. He brags about me. It's a good feeling! I'm so thankful for this lesson.
It is because of all this that I feel such a deep sense of fulfillment and establishment. That I truly am becoming who God made me to be. God gave me a picture that I want to share with you all that really describes what He's done in me here. Think about an onion or a potato, how it must grow underground and you don't really know how it's doing or coming along until you uproot it. But if you pull it up too soon then you just have a tiny vegetable that isn't ready and if you let it stay too long it will rot. The farmer has to know just the right time of when to pull the vegetables out but it's hard to know it's progress since all development was done underground. Thank God that He is such a good Farmer and nothing is hidden or unknown to Him; He knows just the right time to pull us out. The picture was this; that I was in the ground and God reached down, grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the ground and as I came up I was wearing a purple shirt (purple being the color of royalty). He pulled me out at just the right time and He's saying that I'm ready to do what He made me to do but as His daughter.
Does this mean I'm walking with this aura of power with my chest puffed up; HECK NO! I'm unsure about a lot of things and I don't walk in this ridiculous confidence in myself and in who I am. But of this I am confident; that everything I am is who God made me to be and everything I'm not is where He will be. God's got my back and better yet, He's got my hand, my heart, my life. It's all good :-)
Now let's talk about Thailand since ya know I leave on Wednesday!!!! Here's the schedule for the next couple of days:
Saturday and Sunday- nothing planned yet probably just hang out and get my stuff sorted
Monday- cleaning the church and then that night we're having a Love Feast= party, food, gifts, nostalgia
Tuesday- Thailand team has the day off to pack and rest
Wednesday- Check out from the hostel @10am, from there we're going to Josie's place for brunch, from there we're going by the church to say goodbye to everyone else and we'll leave there about 12:30 and we'll get to the airport around 1 and we leave at 3:30pm.
I honestly don't think all this will hit me until we arrive in Bangkok. I just cannot fathom being in a place like Thailand; it's almost too much to try and think about. People keep asking, "So you ready for Thailand?" And I'm like, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?" Am I mentally ready? Well since I can't even comprehend being there...no. Am I physically ready? Probably not but hopefully I'll be rested enough by Wednesday. Am I spiritually ready? As ready as I can be. Am I emotionally ready? How can you possibly be emotionally ready for such despair?! No I'm probably not. But regardless of whether I'm ready or not, I'm going. And regardless of whether I feel like serving I'm gonna die to self and serve. Whether it's hot, dangerous or just plain miserable; I'm gonna serve those girls.
A hymn I try to live by is
- It may be in the valley, where countless dangers hide;
It may be in the sunshine that I, in peace, abide;
But this one thing I know—if it be dark or fair,
If Jesus is with me, I’ll go anywhere!
It may be I must carry the blessèd Word of life
Across the burning deserts to those in sinful strife;
And though it be my lot to bear my colors there,
If Jesus goes with me, I’ll go anywhere!
But if it be my portion to bear my cross at home,
While others bear their burdens beyond the billow’s foam,
I’ll prove my faith in Him—confess His judgments fair,
If He stays with me, I’ll stay anywhere!
It is not mine to question the judgment of my Lord,
It is but mine to follow the leadings of His Word;
But if to go or stay, or whether here or there,
I’ll be, with my Savior, content anywhere!
- Refrain
If Jesus goes with me, I’ll go anywhere!
’Tis heaven to me, where’er I may be, if He is there!
I count it a privilege here, His cross to bear,
If Jesus goes with me, I’ll go anywhere!
I'm really looking forward to getting an outward perspective on Auckland from Thailand. To see if I'll miss it or if I'll be just as excited and feel as much at home in Thailand as I do here now. So we'll see about that.
I'm half way done with this adventure and I can't wait to see all that God has for me in the next three months. I know it's going to be good and I know it's going to be rough but I'm excited. Please keep my team and I in your prayers! Much love