Pissed at the Praxy Commentary

Last week I released my first full length album, Pissed at the Praxy. These songs were a product of needing to process and talk through issues long met with silence. Now a tangible compilation, I feel a deep need and desire to invite others into those very processes and conversations that are woven around and within each song.

I've always respected and looked up to those artists that refrained from being obvious and let the meaning and motivation behind their songs be left up for interpretation (restraint that is incredibly difficult to hold). But, this album isn't just a story, it is a commentary in and of itself- a commentary that was birthed out of tension, a tension that Silence and Unease bore.

I want to meet with you here. I want to, not only tell the story that each song holds- unveiling secrets, treasures, and emotions within- but I want to dialogue about them. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions and questions. Let's ask them together. Let's unveil them together. Let's tell our stories.

So for the next few weeks I'm going to be hosting live online discussions via Periscope app (Download Here) around each individual song. I want to share the story, yes, but I also want to answer your questions. Each week I'll announce which song is up for discussion on social media with a specific hashtag for you to use to send me your questions, discussion points you'd like to hit, or your thoughts via twitter, facebook, or instagram. Following the live stream, I'll post a blog with a written script of what was talked about for future reference and for those who maybe can't make the livestream. I'm really looking forward to this and I hope that you'll join me.

To start this off I want to tell you the story and the meaning behind the album title because I think that will give a great platform from which to start these discussions.

The Story

Pissed- adj. annoyed, very angry

Praxy- noun. origin: Greek (taken as a stem of "praxeology"); study of human action and conduct, esp. in relation to one's orthodoxy (practice or doctrine).

I was raised in a church that was adamant towards its views on how a christian should live, behave, and appear; views that were harsh, demanding, and costly. It was engrained in me that if it doesn't hurt, if it isn't hard, then you're doing something wrong and so I Iived for difficult and, essentially, abusive situations believing that it was proof of my love and proximity to God- proof for Him and for me. This thinking helped direct me to a Bible college to study World Missions. It was my intent to get my BA in World Missions, graduate, and move overseas to live the rest of my life as a missionary. I cut my time short there having only been met with arduous resistance by the staff and students to my being a woman in ministry; I was worn out by their insane shovenism and closemindedness and so I graduated early and left to pursue my role as a missionary with an organization called Youth With A Mission. My innauguration into the organization was a smooth transition, my commitment to stay in it, however, was brutal. I staffed on a base in Australia for almost a year. Looking back I can say that I had to feel the extremes of my praxeology that inevitably followed my toxic orthodoxy in order to truly understand how ill-fitting, unnatural, and heavy they were; and feel the extremes of them I did. The toxicity and dysfunction of my environment only helped to speed up the revelation that needed to come which was: This is not right. And so I left and returned to the US so broken and feeble and wounded that for the first month I wept day and night. I came home and went back to the church in which I was raised only to find that it too was ill-fitting, unnatural, and heavy. I could not find any trace of God there, not that I was welcome to remain there anyway. I was broken. I needed help. This untamed reality frightened and unnerved them and therefore they encouraged me to leave (a fact I had already gladly come to terms with). And so I left that church. I left that way. And I began to find God, for the first time I think.

Frustration had been brewing for years towards the praxeology I was seeing around me, but when that frustration turned inwards and I began to become frustrated towards my own praxeology- when I could no longer tolerate my own orthodoxy- that's when I started to see, that's when I started to feel free. Leaning into those frustrations, giving ear to them and allowing space for them to be whatever and however they were going to be, was like a steady slew of rain kissing a dry and parched land cracking from the heat and neglect.

Pissed at the Praxy, for me, is not about anger or frustration, but rather, about where that anger and frustration took me. I never believed that anger or frustration had any place in a christian's life, but I am so glad I let it wreak its havock on my wretched beliefs. I've never been so thankful.

Behind the Scenes

The actual name of the album came about because of a song I wrote called "If Being Like You". I had just recorded and was about to release my second EP called "Eve of Regret". On the tail end of recording that EP I wrote and recorded "If Being Like You". It had absolutely no place on Eve of Regret and I knew that there would be more songs to follow. I looked at where I was at, what I was feeling, and where I was headed and "pissed at the praxy" just seemed pretty fitting.

Questions

So what are your thoughts?

Have you had similar experiences? If so, did you (and how did you) encounter frustration?

What does the album title mean to you?