At The Lighthouse Q&A Notes

At the beginning of this month I released my first full length album, Pissed at the Praxy. And although I've always respected artistic restraint in letting the interpretation be at the listener's disposal, I felt the need and desire to invite my listeners into the stories and secrets behind and within each song. Being pissed at the praxy opened up my eyes to look at everything in a new way, one that allowed me to see a clearer glimpse of a God that I wanted to know- a God who, oddly enough, was nothing like the one I had been giving up so much for. So that's why I'm doing these Q&A's. That's why I'm telling my story. I want to let you know you're not alone. I want to be vulnerable and share these stories with you, maybe hear yours, and let's talk about this stuff that is felt so deeply and that which needs to be given space and grace to be felt.

The Story

For two years I worked as a volunteer for a religious humanitarian organization. My last year with that organization was working in Adelaide, South Australia and it was the most wretched season of my life to date. One, because I was working in a very dysfunctional, abusive, and neglegent environment and two, because I myself was driven by very self-destructive beliefs. A broken person working for broken people in a broken environment only begets more brokenness and I was feeling the toxicity of my lifestyle and my choices come to a head.

I was six months into it and had decided enough was enough. I couldn't take it anymore. So I decided to quit and go home yet awoke the next morning with doubts. I couldn't simply save myself, you see. I had to be told what to do like the good little soldier I was trained to be. So I went to the only place in Adelaide I had ever felt any kind of hope or peace to demand and wait on God for His instructions on whether or not I should stay and suffer or save myself and quit, so I went to Port Adelaide and I waited at the lighthouse there by the ocean. I waited and I waited and I waited. I scribbled on pages in my notebook, "should I stay or should I go?" over and over again until the words blackened the page. I was desperate for God to speak to me. I kept throwing out these crazy challenges like, "Okay if I'm supposed to stay have someone come up to me and say _____." And when that didn't happen, "Okay if I'm supposed to go have that man pick up that piece of paper on the ground." And nothing would happen. I was desperate for a sign. I felt I was on the verge of drowning and I needed God to speak so that I could justify saving myself. But He didn't speak. The sun began to set and Port Adelaide wasn't the safest part of town so I left because it was simply no longer wise to stay. I left feeling abandoned, hopeless, ignored, and left to drown. I figured that it was better to stay and suffer through it than to leave and learn that He had wanted me to stay.

Five months later God would speak about the lighthouse. One day the shit really hit the fan making it impossible for me to stay. I finally felt that last chord that held me duty bound be cut and the image of the lighthouse and the wisdom and common sense that met me there saying, "It is no longer wise to stay." began to play in my mind. And I realized He had spoken, He hadn't left me to drown, He had heard me and He was using the lighthouse to save me now.

Why It's Important to Me

There's no pretty little bow at the end of this song, no hope to wrap it up nice and neat. This song dwells in the frustration of that moment, it recognizes it and validates it. Yes, God would speak, but I didn't know it in that moment and those feelings I felt there at the lighthouse in Port Adelaide were very real and raw and demanded to be felt as all pain does. It was accepting that frustration and letting it have its way that allowed me to see things myself and my choices and my environment in a new light. The lighthouse may not have shone that night, but my frustration acted as a light for awhile- revealing things that had long been hidden by a lifetime of good behavior and duty. And that's why this is the first song on the album because it marks the beginning of this journey Home.

Lyrics

Verse 1: I waited at the lighthouse for someone to come and save me for some word to come and raise my sinking boat. All my anchors had failed me. Sea and kraken had scared me close to that cape where light should wave some hope amidst the shadows. I waited at the lighthouse for any kind of sign but the silence gave voices to my doubts.

*All my anchors had failed me... [Before I left in 2010 to live overseas, I had a dream that I was at the airport saying goodbye to my family with tears in my eyes and I turned to get onto the airplane and Jesus was standing there with his right hand stretched out to me and He took me by the left hand and walked with me onto the plane. Anytime I was scared or felt alone or needed to feel Him I would clench my left fist in remembrance of that dream. About 3 months after the scene at the lighthouse I asked God to speak to me again, any word at all to get me through and He told me "holdfast". I looked it up and a holdfast is an anchor and I remembered my dream and I was reminded that I just needed to holdfast to Him, that He was my anchor. That is what that lyric recalls for me and it represents that feeling I had that God had let go of me, that my anchor, everything I held onto in fact, had failed me.]

Chorus: This ship is going down down and I'm going down with it. I am damned to the depths if someone doesn't save me now. I'm going down.

Verse 2: I waited at the lighthouse wishing, praying, begging should I stay or abandon ship now? I had no captain to steer me. No wind or waves to console me. The bottom of the ocean knows me by name and it beckons loud. One last chance dear lighthouse. Cast a glance my way. If you don't I'll give my last breath to curse you as I drown.

*One last chance dear lighthouse. Cast a glance my way... [I remember as it was getting dark and I realized that I may actually have to leave without an answer, I remember being so angry with God saying, "Are you seriously going to let me leave and not say anything?!" I was furious. I demanded He speak, on the verge of making any threat that would make Him speak.]

Verse 3: I waited at the lighthouse. Darkness ever grew with no light to answer to. Overwhelmed by orphaned demands. Salty tears lost in the sea. All my sails bleached by failure, I surrender my challenge to the deep.

*[It's that whole scene at the end of my story: the sun is setting, I know I can't stay and at the same time I know that leaving means I surrender. I raised my white flag and I gave into fears and lies and shame and pride. I stayed because I could not save myself because I could not accept that I was worth saving.]

Q&A

Q: @wordsbyshay- "Can you tell more about the 'ship' you refer to in the song?"

A: The "ship" is me. As a ship relies on a lighthouse to guide its way to safety in a dark storm, so I was waiting at the lighthouse for the same rescue.

Q: @jadefrances4- "What song stretched you the most vocally? What about instrumentally? Emotionally? Why?

A: Vocally- If Being Like You. It was the most bluesy song I had ever done which made it a stretch but since my voice has dropped about 3 octaves since recording it, it would literally be a huge stretch to try and sing that song again. Instrumentally- Selah because of its complexities and the focus being the instruments rather than my voice or words. Emotionally- At The Lighthouse and The Cobblestone Road by far! I had to really sit with these songs after I wrote them. They both flowed so beautifully but as soon as they were on the page, I could only weep from the raw and barren nature of the memories that had just bled out on the page. I've also found them incredibly healing as such.

Q: @jadefrances4- "What has been the most challenging part of this process?"

A: VULNERABILITY! These songs represent some of my most delicate and fragile moments and some of my most precious. To not only share them for others to hear, but to share them with the knowledge that I'm going to share ABOUT them has proven to be a challenge. Fear of being so naked and exposed by my songs has made me want to hold back and withdraw many a time along this process, but it's also made me press on because I believe one person's vulnerability can make another feel safe and not feel so alone- it has the potential to bring people together and that's what I want. That makes the uncomfortability of being vulnerable worth it. Because we are not alone.

Q: @jsorgi- 'What brought you out of that depravity/ what ended that depravity?'

A: Frustration. That frustration with how things weren't working made me look deeper and that revealed all the deeper issues that were only aiding and abetting my world of dysfunction and self-destruction. I've never been so thankful for frustration. Anger is simply a stage of grieving and repressing and supressing that anger only delays one's healing. I think Pissed at the Praxy is really a representaion of the stages of grieving actually now that I think about it.

ending

Thank you all so much for your questions, for tuning in, and for listening and supporting Pissed at the Praxy. Feel free to email me privately here or on facebook or twitter with any more questions or comments. If you've ever felt hopeless or mad at God for not speaking, ever felt ignored or abandoned by Him, I get it and I'm here if you want to talk and process some of that with someone who's been there. I don't just want to do all the talking. I'm here and I'm available and ready to listen. :-)

 

Love,

Stephanie Gray