After The War

Today I was listening to a Super Soulful Conversation podcast where Oprah is interviewing Brene Brown (famous social scientist and author renowned for her talks on vulnerability and her most recent book “Rising Strong”). She said, “The body keeps score and it always wins.” 

A quote like that certainly resonates within my experience. For years I didn’t listen to my body and the body, I learned, can only take so much abuse before it begins to do what you can’t- shut down. My tousle with PTSD feels like ages ago. But I’ve learned something since then that, despite all my research and learning around the subject, I was not prepared for; I’ve learned that it may be over for you, but it doesn’t mean it’s over. 

When you are in the thick of it the only person you can think about is yourself. No one else is feeling what you’re feeling, but you’re not the only one affected by your own suffering; this is something you can’t, you don’t dare, face until you’re in the clear. When waters start to settle, conversations begin to be had and in that clearing you learn that your pain was messier than you ever realized. 

You were in survival mode and thank the gods that be for that! Finally after all those years of abuse, you’re finally thinking about yourself! You’re finally paying attention to your own hurt and pain because your body has revolted against the years of suppression and has responded in such a way that you can’t ignore it any longer. Pain demands to be felt. And so you go through it. You feel it, dreaming of the day you’ll come out on the other side. 

But you weren’t the only one dreaming for that day. There were people all around you who took up your case in their hearts and who waited with you through the storm. They waited silently while their heads swam in an ocean of worry and concern. That too takes a toll. You weren’t the only one in survival mode- they entered their own territory of survival with you so that they might be permitted entrance into that sacred and rocky terrain of pain...your pain. 

These are not fun conversations- finding out that while you were hurting, you hurt people; that your pain caused others pain. Good people, kind people, wait until the time is right to approach these conversations. Thank goodness for that!

I once spoke to a former counselor of mine about one of the earliest of these conversations and I was kind of told in turn that mental illness should be understood and that I should be given some sort of “free pass”. Man, that’d be nice. But that’s not the reality of relationships I don’t think. And I do think that not every relationship can handle that kind of conversation, nor can every person. It just depends. But I’m thankful for the courage and vulnerability that people have shared with me about how distant I was, about how afraid they were to say the wrong thing to trigger or hurt me, about how that fear turned into withdrawal and silence over time. How terrible and helpless they felt having to watch me go through that all the while fearing they’d do or say the wrong thing and make it all worse. All I can say is that I understand, how sorry I am that my pain caused them pain, and to thank them for having the grace to stick with me through it and to share those feelings now. 

Australia was a land of isolation- when I hurt, I withdrew and I tried to shield the world and anyone close to me from my pain. I knew I couldn’t do that again. I knew if I tried, I’d die. And that’s a terrible truth to hold to when you’re in the disaster zone. You feel like a ticking time bomb, an unstable grenade that could explode at any moment, and the savior complex inside of you wants to spare all those around you from that destruction. But here’s the catch 22, the only way you won’t destroy yourself, the only way you won’t explode, is if you have people around you- close to you. They have to be closer than you ever wanted them to be. You have to be willing to hold out the grenade that feels like your very soul, and allow them the choice to fall on it themselves if they so decide. There were a couple of nights that I wouldn’t have made it through if it weren’t for the people around me. That’s the truth. People who entered the danger zone that felt like my life and who laid in bed with me till I fell asleep because I didn’t feel safe enough to be alone with my thoughts. People who dropped everything to be with me when I called out a code red. People who supported me financially when my struggle left me jobless and unemployed. And people who were holding onto dear life for me even from afar. People speaking positivity and life into existence, Life that grabbed hold of my hand every time my hand moved to take life. You know that by bringing them into your world that it’ll get messy, but the only way forward is with a team to trudge through the muck and the shit with you. It is the ONLY way forward. And so, it is only natural that you come to the valley of atonement, the land of settling, where the walls of mirrors forcing you to look at yourself are removed so that you can see those around you in clarity and with perspective. 

You survived and it is because of them that you survived and so what is there to do, but to repay in kind the grace that they had given you. You’ve learned to trust yourself again. You’ve learned to trust your own healing. You’ve learned to read your body and you’ve learned to live again. But, that’s all been inward work. Now it’s time to live and let people feel the peace that has found you. Now it’s time to accept that your protectors will need time to adjust back to civilian life because the truth is that they were in war too, they were in your war with you and for you, and there’s no training course for reintegrating back into peace time for them. You had an array of resources, but they’ve been navigating this rather blindly. How courageous of them.

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My blog has always been about exposing the gray, talking about what’s not talked about. And so hear I am again, here I am still. There is still so much silence and shame around the subject of mental illness and I’m learning that it doesn’t just affect the affected. At some point in ones journey you have to decide that you are no longer the victim, and part of that I think is the humble acknowledgement of pain. For so long you vivaciously acknowledged your own pain. And well done you! But if you find yourself free of that pain, perhaps you might find the courage to look around and see the scars that those around you bear. They were caught in the crossfire and they’d willingly do it again. The best thanks you can give is to kiss those scars. They were in it for you and now it’s time to be in it with them. That’s true family. That’s true commitment. That’s love. The whole display...the whole lot of it...if you’ve survived hell, it’s because you are loved. And Love wins every time. 

I’m here because I am loved. Thank you for loving me. You know who you are. 

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If you are currently in the thralls of depression, anxiety, ptsd, or some other form of mental illness. Get your team! Get a counselor! Get a psychiatrist! On a day that you feel stronger than usual, bring your friends and family that you trust up to speed. Involve people in your journey. It is the key to your survival. 

If you find yourself out of survival mode and living again, breathe it in. Breathe deeply. Take that peace in and soak in it. Don’t rush. Continue taking care of you, let that comfort built up. Erect storehouses for that shit! That’s the good stuff! And should anyone ever come forward and want to talk give them what so many others have given you- your ears...just listen. It may not be appropriate in every circumstance. Know your boundaries and trust that you understand what you need and when you need it. If it seems like too much to bear or to hear, you might want to lean into that. You don’t have to take it. You’re not a martyr. Use wisdom and let your intuition guide you to that place of reconciliation. It was an unfortunate circumstance that you couldn’t have altered. It’s not your fault. You are not a burden. Simply honor the vulnerability that they honored in you as best you can and love them. 

And finally, if you are the loved one- one of those courageous souls who volunteered to enter territory where others had no choice...Thank you. Take care of you. It’s ok if you need to retreat to tend to your own wounds. It’s ok if you need to set up boundaries to protect yourself. Do what you need to do as you have so allowed us to do. And in the meantime, be patient. Please don’t let pain or discomfort rush the conversation, if a conversation need be had. Know that you have permission to feel the way you feel and to seek the help that you need as well. Where is your team? Where are your helpers? It takes a village. Don’t keep it in. Remember how the body keeps score of what is repressed. Pursue your own health and healing and when you feel ready, when you feel we are ready, *if appropriate* consider bringing us close again. For so long, a normal life seemed a distant memory to us; if circumstances permit, please meet us there in the good old days of today. Walk with us, talk with us, eat with us, drink with us, laugh with us. Let us be human together again. 

*Not every hurt need be addressed and not every relationship saved. People are complex and situations are evermore diverse than we are. Please seek counsel before approaching this subject. My situation is similar to many, but it is not a formula for all. Please take care and proceed lightly and kindly. Above all, proceed with love and tenderness.*