Common Cult

I had been warned that I was entering a cult, but it would still take me years after leaving for me to be able to call it such.

Cult is a heavy word. Cult conjures images of Charles Manson, LDS, or maybe you picture Satanists around a fire drinking blood; either way, it certainly doesn't remind us of anything remotely close to being good. So what even makes something a cult?

Here are some of the characteristics associated with cultic groups as written by Janja Lalich, PhD and Michael D. Langone, PhD:

• The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the truth, as law.
• Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
• Mind altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess. 
• The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel. (Ex: members must get permission to date, change jobs, or marry; leaders prescribe what types of clothes to wear, where to live, whether or not to have children, how to discipline children, and so forth)
• The group has a polarized us vs. them mentality
• The leader is not accountable to any authorities
• The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt 
• Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friend, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.
• The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members
• The group is preoccupied with making money
• Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.
• Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize with other group members (sometimes exclusively).
•  The most loyal members feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and fear leaving the group. 

Maybe none of these apply to you, maybe all of these apply to you, or maybe an uncomfortable amount do. 

For me, all of these applied and I can cite specific examples for every bullet point from both of the cults I managed to leave. But I didn't leave because I recognized I was actually living in a cult. No I left because I had suffered enough. It would take me years and a team of professionals for me to be able to admit that I had indeed been a member of, not one but, two cults. So how do you recognize if the group you're a member of is behaving like a cult? 

First, look to your own experiences. If more than a few of the signifiers listed above perked your interest, lean into those. Ask yourself: "Is there an instance where this applies to me or where I have witnessed this being done to someone else?" 

That first step might take awhile. And sure, maybe it's all just perception and could be a big misunderstanding. The only way to ease your thoughts and either prove or disprove that your group is behaving like a cult, is to look around you and look behind you. What I mean is that if this is happening to you, chances are this has happened to someone else. Begin to get a sense for the history. Have you known people that left? What was their experience like leaving the group? Were they ostracized? Do you see any patterns begin to repeat themselves? 

In order to leave cult groups you have to choose between authenticity and belonging and that's a terrible choice to have to make. Leaving those cults meant losing everything, it meant starting completely over again. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm completely free- inside and out. At some point in your journey you're going to have to decide how much more of yourself you are going to have to lose in order to belong to this group. With cults, it's never enough- there's always more you can do, more you can give, more people to serve, more devotion, more abandon, more humility, greater submission...when is it enough? A: Exactly when you say it is. 

This is what cult groups do- they try to take away your voice. Your voice that would think differently. Your voice that would ask questions. Your voice that would challenge unhealthy behavior. Your voice that would ask for help. Your voice that would disagree. Your voice that would say, “I’m leaving.” 

.......

Want out? Here are some helpful steps to take: 

• Reach out to people you trust who are outside of the group. 
• Do you know anyone who had a negative experience and left? If so, try reaching out to them. See if your stories match and how they managed to leave. 

You need people around you for this; people cheering you on and who will be there after you’ve left. 

You’re not alone. There’s a whole slew of us on the outside waiting for you. You can do this. It’s not up to you to change the group. But it is in your power to leave.