The Melody Found In Waking

I had a serious moment of vulnerability tonight while leading worship that I didn't expect. I've been leading worship for my small group for the past year and tonight was no exception. Although tonight I did what every worship leader hates to do- I messed up.

I was transitioning from one song to the next, the next song being "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan, and for some reason I just couldn't find the melody of the song to start singing; I tried- sang off key, I was even playing the chords wrong. I can't tell you how many times I have sang and lead worship with this song; I must be getting into the 400s by now. I've even done bloody covers of the song! So there's no excuse to choke now. I know this song like the back of my hand...

but that's just it...I know the song, but do I know it?

I had to stop playing right there in the middle of worship. I was on the verge of tears. Not because I messed up- I've messed up a 1,000xs and I'll mess up a 1,000xs more- but because as far as The Lord has brought me in this year, in the revelations of His love, I still don't know the song. I take those truths for granted. And here I was about to coast into the most powerful words a soul could hear, "He is jealous for me..." and amidst all the practice, all the times sung before, I couldn't find the melody.

The Lord had to give me a public heart check saying, "Do you know it Steph? Do you believe it baby girl? Are you aware? Are you awake to the fact that I am so deeply in love with you? Do you know it?" The song may be under my belt, but the truths within it are not. It's not my default setting to live and walk and breathe in His love for me. It's that truth that I'm used to being there that I forget how beautiful it is; it's like a ceiling fan that you're so used to being there, so used to its breeze, that you never notice it until you really direct your attention to it's detail and it's like seeing it for the first time.

Tonight I had to fix my attention to the source of the breeze. After that, the melody flowed and I found myself singing along with the powerful current of the truth within that song. "Oh how He loves us." I would rather be deaf to the melody of that song than to ignorantly coast over the immensity of His love.

Let the melody be forever found in the waking.